Monday, 19 November 2007

Britney Spears

Unscathed from her experience with Melissa Etheridge, Victoria Gacek is back for more, this time on Britney Spears, seen here in Basil Fawlty car-attacking tribute mode.

There are some things in life that you wish once you got rid off they would never come back, such as: verrucas, genital warts and Britney Spears. Personally I would have remained happy just seeing Britney grace the tabloid headlines for another embarrassing incident where she was stoned, or had run someone over or just generally failed at life. But no, after a four year break from the music industry; our ear drums are to be polluted by her latest single release ‘Gimmie More’; the first track off of her new album: ‘Blackout’.

The album title must have been inspired from one of Spears’ own highly documented paralytic blackouts. It wouldn’t be farfetched to suggest the album title was a result of an alcohol and drug and binge, but, unfortunately for us the blackout obviously wasn’t severe enough to put her in a permanent coma. Instead, this former Disney Channel entertainer has shed almost all her clothing and lost all her dignity in the release of the sluttiest single of her career.

The video for ‘Gimmie More’ is cheap, tacky and fake, just like her hair. It appears to imitate a drug induced trip, with the occasional violet strobe lighting penetrating the dark nightclub, where Britney wearing a black wig gyrates against a pole (they must have used an ample amount of super glue to keep that wig on), what a classy girl. The pole seems an obvious choice to replace the men she usually grinds against; her reputation seems to have scared them all away. Or maybe it’s her appearance, Britney is clothed only in her underwear and fish nets stockings, which makes her look like a hooker on E, who wouldn’t be out of place walking around the streets of Brooklyn.

The only man in the video is sat down, with a drink, minding his own business. The last thing he wants is Britney Spears shaking her arse in his face. If he’s not careful she might start: ‘licking [him] down like there’s no-one around’ as the vile lyrics state, which should hopefully get her arrested for sexual harassment. My advice to him is if he’s not too blind drunk, just put the drink down and get out of there as fast as you can, because before you know it, you’ll both be hitched, and as soon as your sober enough to remember the night before, you’ll be on your phone, asking your lawyer for an annulment, and all this will happen quicker than you can say K Fed.

The lyrics are even worse than the video; you know the song is going to be abominable when it opens with: ‘It’s Britney, bitch’. The worst phrase she could have possibly created, which makes her comeback as laughable as her private life. She insults us listeners, by calling us bitches, could this be Britney’s red-neck attempt at calling us her ‘homeboy’. Whatever the case, I do not want my seven year old niece (a fan of the cheesy pop that is currently gracing the charts); to be repeating one of the most negative taboo words in the English language, because her idol Britney needs her mouth washing out. What an excellent role model and mother Ms. Spears makes. The only positive about this track is that she didn’t fart and burp all the way through it.

Britney’s first live performance of ‘Gimmie More’, was at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards (VMA), and it was appalling. She forgets to lip-sync several times, and during the performance she stumbles around the stage worse than your drunken Uncle on Christmas Day. Miming and dancing at the same time must be too difficult for her pea sized brain. The only active brain cell she has left, after the drugs and booze must have had to work overtime just to keep her upright. The VMA performance was so terrible that Spears ran off stage crying at the end of the song; don’t worry Britney that was my initial reaction to the song too. No one expected her to sing live, but if that was the best she could do, I can’t wait for the tour. Maybe for the opening act she’ll come out and slit her wrists.

The video is like a low-budget porno, and the song lyrics just reiterate that image. Britney’s attempt at being sexy fails; instead she earns the title as the Queen of slease. Just put some clothes on and get out of our lives and if we’re lucky she will not attempt at making music again. The person I feel most sorry for in regards to the video of ‘Gimmie More’ is the camera-man; if he was any further up Britney’s ass we’d see the shit.


harrysnarls said...

Haha, I thoroughly enjoyed this. Not very happy with that Canadian's assumption then?

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